how is partner dancing like speed dating?

Playing a board game with someone can tell you a lot about them. Especially if they lose.

Watch how someone responds to slow internet, waitstaff getting their order wrong, or being cutoff on the highway.

It's not a complete story, but it's often good information.

Just like a three minute partner dance.

It's like a speed date. You can learn a lot if you know what to look for.

Why?

Because dancing is nonverbal. How we connect and have relationships is driven by the nonverbal - emotions. We fluctuate from wanting to get closer or further away, moment to moment, depending on how the other person responds to our own cues. Our behaviors are driven by how we feel.

Pick a person (or a few) that you danced with recently. Remember how the dance was initiated, what it felt like to dance, how it ended. Imagine it now, close your eyes to remember the details.

Now take your time to slowly consider the questions below and see what you come up with. Pretend you are on your three minute speed date dance.

The first set of questions are general, for you to gather your own information. 

The second set will invite you to focus on the meaning of the information and implications for relationships.

Remember to take your time to write down your answers, it will help you more than just skimming the questions!

Part One: Reflect on your dances

If the other person asked you to dance:

Do they typically take charge? Go after what they want and ask assertively? Do they feel empowered?

Are they asking because "that's what you're supposed to do" and actually feel like they don’t have a choice if they want to dance?

The energy of asking for a dance can feel very different when a person wants to ask or feels like they have to ask. Can you sense the difference? 

If you asked them to dance, and they didn't ask you:

Are they more passive, sitting back, letting others make the first move? Is this typical?

Are they in high demand and a lot of other people want to connect with them? Why is that?

If they asked you to dance, how did they ask?

If they said yes (or no), how did they respond?

What words did they use? Or body language?

What was their attitude or tone in asking or responding?

Did they smile?

Did they make or maintain eye contact?

How did this leave you feeling?

Some people can be charming with first impressions, and then change as time goes (for better or worse).

Some people can appear nervous at first, and get more comfortable and relaxed over time, or more distant or aloof.

Did they notice others on the dance floor as you entered?

If they did, how did they respond to others as you joined the dance floor?

Were they mindful of others space? Considerate? Or unaware?

As you started to dance, did they take time to tune into you?

Attune to your comfort level, the nonverbal signals of your body? Like how close or far away you wanted to be? Did they respond appropriately?

Did they immediately start dancing?

Did they pay attention to the music?

Did they adapt to you as moved?

Did you feel connected? If so, how? If not, why not?

How did they respond if you missed a move?

How did they respond if they missed a move?

How did they respond if others bump into them? Or they bumped into others?

Did they want to chat with you?

Did they stay silent?

Did they seem to have an agenda for the dance? Or not?

Did they smile? Are they enjoying themselves? Did they seem relaxed?

Are they very focused? Serious?

Did it feel like a performance or a test?

Take a moment to reflect on your answers above and consider what it MIGHT mean in how they relate to others. Be imaginative. You may or may not be right, but it can be helpful to be curious.

Part Two: Let's get specific, what does this information mean?

Consider the following questions. Remember, we don't have to conclude anything, just be curious.

If someone has difficulty maintaining eye contact, what might this indicate?

What are the possible implications for comfort levels with vulnerability and intimacy? Or how comfortable they may be with intense emotions?

What if they stare intensely and don't tune into your discomfort?

Or you try to create physical distance and they don't give you space? 

What does it mean if you try to communicate non verbal signals to feel more comfortable and they ignore them? How likely are they to tune into non verbal signals in other areas?

If someone gets upset when you make a "mistake" or the dance isn't "perfect," what that might indicate to you? 

Does it make a difference if they get mad at you, or mad at themselves? How might this translate into relationships not being perfect sometimes?

If someone is relaxed and helps you feel calm, do you think that might be felt in other areas of life or in your relationship with them?

If someone explicitly communicates and asks for consent, or checks in with you verbally about your boundaries or needs, how likely is it they will do this in other areas of your relationship?

Do you feel connected with them? Are they attuned with you? How responsive are they to your cues? Will they continue to be this way?

Are they managing their own body and emotions effectively? Or only focused on you? What might be the risks and benefits of focusing only on you?

If someone is a beginner dancer, are they more anxious than they might usually be? May this influence the dynamic differently now, than when they are more relaxed? What does it mean though, if you encounter them in another situation where they are highly anxious? What might be the same or different, about how they deal with anxiety?

The emotional dynamic created in the dance will often repeat itself in the emotional relationship you have with your dance partner. This doesn't apply to only romantic relationships. Behaviors in both dancing and other areas of life are fueled by emotions, which is why we may find parallels.

Part Three: Self reflection

It is easier (and more fun!) to analyze someone else. 

What if you ask yourself the questions above? 

What would someone say about YOU if they danced with YOU for three minutes?

*check out my YouTube videos (reposted from Instagram) for my own personal life examples of partner dancing dynamics and relationships.