three tips from psychology to have a better night social dancing….
Remember: take your time to answer honestly and clearly before moving on to the next question to make the most of these exercises!
Part One: Where do you want to dance?
First, think of a place you often like to dance at, or would love to dance at.
Write down the answer now.
Imagine what it looks like, the music you hear, the people around you. Take a moment to close your eyes until you can picture it. The more vivid you can imagine it, the better. Notice how your body feels.
Part Two: Why are you here to dance?
Think about it and write down your answer. Be honest.
If you are having trouble thinking of why, here are some ideas (or you might revise your answer above or add more answers):
-you love listening to music
-you enjoy moving to music
-you want to socialize and make new friends
-your friends are there and you get to spend time with them
-you want to improve your dancing
-you want to find a romantic connection (e.g. date, hookup, life partner, etc).
-to get some exercise
-there's nothing better to do
-to grab a drink and observe
These are just a few possible reasons, there can be many more. None are right or wrong or good or bad.
Now think of which ONE answer is the most important reason you might dance right now.
You might have a different reason next week, or last week. For this moment, what is the main reason you would go dance at the place that you imagined above?
Write it down or state it very clearly out loud. Find the exact words so it's clear to you.
(You can repeat this exercise later with the other reasons, but for learning purpose, pick only one before you proceed).
Make sure you recorded your answer, you will need it later to make the most of this exercise.
Part Three: Who is this event for?
Now think about the same event you just envisioned yourself at (above).
Remember where it is, the atmosphere, the music? Close your eyes, feel it in your body, as if you are there.
Why does the organizer host this social dancing event?
Who is their ideal audience they are marketing to?
If you don't know, give yourself a best guess. It doesn't matter if you are right or wrong. Just pick something and imagine it to be true.
Write it down.
Here are some ideas if you get stuck:
Is it a studio that creates space for their students to practice?
Is it a studio that wants their performers to get better?
Is it an organizer that just wants a fun place for a particular kind of music or dance?
Is it someone's business and livelihood? Or a side hustle?
Do they encourage beginners to attend? Or more experienced dancers, because there are no lessons?
Is there a certain type of music, vibe, crowd that they are trying to attract? (e.g. ballroom vs kizomba, etc).
Is it mainly for live music enjoyment, and social dancing is secondary?
Every organizer has a motivation for getting people together to dance, and a target audience, which sets the atmosphere.
It's not right or wrong, it just makes it different.
Make sure you write down why you think the organizer, at the event you picked, hosts this particular social. It doesn't matter if you get the answer right or wrong, just make your best guess. It's your perception that matters most here.
Part Four: When the Why meets Who...
Just like every organizer has a reason for hosting their social, every dancer has a reason for dancing.
Remember your reason? Remind yourself what it was, why you would dance today at the event you picked.
Ask yourself the following (remember to go slow and actually find the exact words, write it down or say it out loud):
How does your reason influence who you choose to dance with when you are at this social?
Who do you WANT to dance with here?
Or who would you rather NOT dance with? Why?
For example, what influences who you want to dance with:
Are you looking for a new friend, and that person looks approachable?
Are you trying to be a better dancer and that person looks like they can help you level up?
Are you looking for someone to date and that person looks attractive?
Are you here with your partner on a date, so you're not looking at anyone else?
Maybe you don't care, you just want human contact and anyone will do.
No judgment.
Let's be honest, there are reasons we ask certain people to dance or not...reasons we say yes when asked, or no.
And just like you, every person dancing has their reasons for being there, for dancing with certain people or not. Their reasons may be the same as you...or not.
Part Five: put it all together and….?
So the organizer has a reason for the event, a target audience, you have reasons to be there, and so does every other person. All these motivations may line up....or not.
Based on the organizers motives, why might most of the other dancers be there? If the organizer is hitting their target audience, what is the motivation of most of the dancers? What was your reason?
Maybe you want to socialize and try to strike up a conversation, and the person you asked to dance is practicing to get better to seriously compete.
Maybe you don't want to make new friends, and the person who asked you is looking for someone to date.
Maybe you usually enjoy dancing, but tonight you just want to observe because you're tired, and the person you are chatting with really wants to exercise tonight, not talk.
So what does this mean? Here are my three tips for you to influence your social dancing experience:
Don't take it personally if someone doesn't want to talk or dance with you. Their reason for being here might just be different than yours.
If it feels helpful, find others who are there for the same reason as you, to socialize, to be competitive dancers, to make friends, whatever your reason is.
When you notice someone there for a very different reason than you, you can make a decision to influence them to still have a good time. Maybe you are just here to socialize with your friend group, and that beginner there is trying to improve, you can still ask them to dance.
We have our individual reasons to dance, and we can still make choices to help others with different motivations have a good time together.
**This blog is based on a short talk I gave when I assisted a beginner bachata dance lesson in 2023.
