how to safely say “no” in partner dancing
When I started partner dancing, I was told repeatedly "never say no" when asked to dance. It takes courage sometimes to ask for a dance, so it's courteous to say "yes."
I believe we should do our best to dance with everyone regardless of skill level, with one caveat: AS LONG AS IT IS SAFE FOR US TO DO SO.
I will say "no" to a dance when my physical and emotional safety becomes more important than the other person's ego.
I have danced with leads and been injured. I once tried to give gentle feedback, they tried the move again, but I still was uncomfortable. I decided not to dance with them again unless I was confident something was different. When they asked me to dance later, I politely said "no" with no explanation. I felt terrible and guilty. I tried to still smile and say "hello" to them, but moved on quickly before they could ask for a dance.
After a few conversations with trusted others, I now believe I have nothing to feel guilty for. I did my best to help them, by giving direct feedback in a kind and encouraging way, and now I need to prioritize my own safety. Loving myself equally is nothing to feel guilty about. I have learned not to sacrifice my own body just so another dancer can feel good about themselves or not rejected.
Feeling emotionally unsafe has been harder for me to justify as a good reason to say, "no." I have felt uncomfortable with leads who don't attune to my body stiffening when they get too close and don't give me space; or when they stare intently at me and ignore my discomfort, or literally demand I look at them; leads who repeatedly attempt to get me to perform sensual body isolations despite my clear bodily resistance or even when I state "no, let's dance the basic steps instead please." In these cases, I feel incredibly violated emotionally, my boundaries are being ignored, and I have learned that feeling emotionally safe is just as important as my physical safety. It took a while to get comfortable with saying "no," for these reasons and believing they are just as valid as avoiding physical injury. When I don't feel safe, I can't relax, so it's near impossible for me to follow or dance.
So....how do you "safely" say "no" to people?
Depends what you mean by "safe."
If "safe" means the other person is always "safe" or happy....we can't always say "no" in a "safe" way. Some people will have their egos bruised, feel rejected, or take it personally, even when we are kind and loving, and that's not always your fault.
If "safe" means I can feel some peace around taking care of myself and others, while acting with integrity and kindness, then I can safely say "no" when:
I notice and honor what is physically and emotionally comfortable for me
I consider the needs of others
I assertively and kindly request my boundaries be respected
I notice if I have "real guilt" for causing harm and apologize or repair
I notice if I have "false guilt" and let go of it
You can't always keep others safe from rejection or taking things personally.
Don't let that be the price for your safety.
I will happily say "yes" to a dance
when I feel safe and connected to my partner,
or at least that we are trying to tune in to each other.
~
I am learning to feel less guilty to politely say "no, thank you,"
when I have evidence I may get physically injured
or have felt emotionally unsafe.
Consider this: how does your "yes" and "no” affect others?
Do you create space to make it feel safe for others to say "yes" to you?
Do you attune to them?
Do you respect their boundaries and non verbal cues?
Do you ask consent or check in if needed?
Do you help them feel safe so they want to say "yes” to you?
Do you equally invite permission for the person you are asking to safely say "no" to you?
Do you make sure they don't feel pressured to dance with you?
Do they feel free to say "no" or do you give them a consequence if they do?
Can you help them feel like it's okay to say "no?"
Do you take their "no" personally and they can see that?
Dance with others in a way they can feel safe to say both "yes" and "no" to you.
Feeling at choice is the best way to connect.
SUMMARY:
Please try and say “yes” to as many people as you can.
It's okay to say “no” when you don't feel safe.
Try to ask for a dance in ways to invite a "no" if needed, and try to dance with others to help them feel safe saying "yes" to you.
If you have behaved in a hurtful way, then feeling guilty makes sense so you can apologize and repair.
If you have done your best, sometimes you have nothing to feel guilty about.
