Is it BAD if I say “NO” to a dance?

Why are we taught that "proper" dance etiquette is to say YES when someone asks you to dance?

One reason is to help others feel welcome and encouraged, regardless of level. We can protect others from feeling discouraged if they are told NO. After all, we are here to learn together.

So is every NO bad? Are some better than others?

If I say NO all the time, why might it be an issue?

In my previous post, Bryn Bamber, a dancer and Core Energetics Practitioner, made an excellent point: I can say NO any time, even when it's not about safety, and that's legitimate. Woman can often be socialized to say YES even when we don't want to. For example saying NO to prioritize your mental health because you are having a supportive chat with a friend is an excellent reason to say NO. 

Michael Shawe, another dancer and therapist, noted that in certain dance spaces, everyone can say NO, for any reason, and it's expected and really not a big deal. So why isn't it like that everywhere?

Why do some dance instructors discourage NO?

When I ask someone to dance and they say NO, it hurts when I TAKE IT PERSONALLY. 

As soon as I believe they said NO because I am not good enough, attractive enough, cool enough, etc. then I start to get discouraged. It starts to hurt.

It's easy to mask this defensively by pretending I don't care. 

I might say, "Their loss! They think they're better than me, they don't know what they're missing."

When it's hard to admit that it's ME that feels insecure, it's easier to say THEY have the problem.

Let's be honest.

It could be factually true that I am not the best dancer, and that's exactly why they are saying NO.

The reason might be true.

What matters, is how their truth affects MY sense of worth.

If they said NO because I'm not a great dancer, and being a great dancer is what I need to feel worthy...then I can fall into a dark hole pretty fast.

Some nights I do.

Most nights, I know that being an intermediate dancer has nothing to do with how worthy I am.

When I feel confident in my worth simply because I AM and someone says NO to me because I’m not advanced, it doesn't bother me at all.

So what do we about this?

The community's general response seems to be to tell people to say YES to protect others from taking these NO's personally and getting discouraged.

Some might argue "It's not my job to protect everyone's ego from getting hurt and feeling rejected just because I don't want to dance with them!" And that is correct. You are not responsible. So dance for yourself!

But what if it unnecessarily keeps hurting others?

The other extreme end is to make sure every single person feels good. Now you're dancing for everyone else.

But what it comes at your own expense and enjoyment?

Just like in life, it's okay to practice each extreme sometimes, and to find a balance too.

Sometimes dance only for you! Sometimes help others out! And when you can, do both!

As a community, how do we try to hold that balance?

I personally believe those in positions of power are responsible to teach others how to maintain the balance.

If you have knowledge, you have power. Use it wisely.

The people in power (instructors, higher level dancers, dancers in the scene for longer times and who are more aware of context, more self-aware, or more status for whatever reason) have a responsibility for how they influence the experience of the less empowered (beginners, lower levels, less aware, abled or less social status).

Teaching dancers they have OPTIONS, like when to say YES and NO, is just as important in social dancing as technical skills; it impacts the experience for us as individuals and the entire community and culture.

Why do YOU say NO?

It's not our fault if someone takes a NO personally, but we can influence it by taking ownership of our own reasons to say NO, to minimize hurting others.

Why are you saying NO?

• to take care of myself

• I don't want a "bad" dance

• I am not attracted to them

• I don't want to associate with them

• I am better than them

• I feel uncomfortable

• I feel unsafe

• other?

Do you find yourself judging some of these as good and bad reasons to say NO?

Why?

How does it impact others (or yourself) when you judge their (or your) reasons?

How does it help or hinder the dance community (or you)?

None of these are "bad" reasons to say NO.

Every reason is legitimate if that is what you need in the moment.

And, some of these may impact the other person in a more hurtful way.

Be considerate in communicating a NO.

If you always say YES,

maybe saying NO is a helpful way to grow and learn something new.

If you always say NO,

maybe saying YES is a helpful way to grow and learn something new.