common challenges in infidelity recovery

When working with couples to move through betrayal, the very first and most common challenge is getting unstuck from a repetitive pattern of communication. Couples can’t move forward when the same unhelpful things are happening over and over. In order to help them, my job as a therapist is to:

• first recognize what the pattern is

• second, practice what needs to be done break the pattern

What is the negative cycle in infidelity recovery?

Common elements of the negative pattern include:

"Trickle truth" - (I describe this briefly in Fatherly magazine) the participating partner (PP) does their best to "protect" the discovering partner (DP) by choosing what to reveal. They usually mean well when they don't disclose details, believing it will hurt their already hurting DP. Unfortunately, the opposite usually happens. Trust is already fragile, and when the DP learns that the PP hid something again, it often destroys what may have been built and they are back to the beginning.

Explaining or defending what happened - again, often well meaning, the participating partner hears how the discovering partner thinks they don't love them, aren't important, etc. and the PP tries to correct the perception (e.g. that's not true, I didn't mean to, etc), hoping if the DP gets it, it will help. Again, the exact opposite happens. The DP often feels dismissed, unheard, invalidated, and more in pain. Trying to convince them usually makes it worse.

Asking unhelpful questions - the DP often has many questions about the infidelity (e.g. how often did you see each other? What positions did you use? Do you love him? etc). While certain questions may be helpful and healing, the mistake is when the DP gets stuck in the details and never gets the answer they need, partly because of their choice in questions. To make things worse, if the PP is unprepared to answer, they may omit details or lie, and we have the Trickle Truth problem again.

These mistakes are common, understandable, but not inevitable. Each partner is doing what they think is going to help move the relationship forward. The problem is that it often doesn’t.

how do i communicate to move forward after infidelity?

Some of the things a therapist can help the couple do are the opposites:

Assist in telling the whole truth, even when it's incredibly painful. At least then, we can start at ground zero. Each time the PP is honest, trust can rebuild. If the PP doesn’t know the answer to a question (e.g. why did you do it?), saying “I don’t know yet” is a legitimate honest answer. As a therapist, I help the PP make sense of what happened and why, so they can communicate truthfully to their partner.

The PP must validate and reassure (in that order) instead of explain. They can say things like, "of course you think you're not important, that makes sense....AND it's not true." This must be done repeatedly and consistently. Easier said than done, but necessary.

I help the DP to choose questions wisely. Some level of finding out details can be helpful, I usually advise the Fishbowl Exercise (from Baucom, Snyder et al in Helping Couples Get Past the Affair) to help the PP have the best chance of answering honestly, while giving the DP an opportunity to ask all the questions. Ask your therapist to help you with this exercise.

Finally, as an Emotionally Focused Therapist, I help the couple actually notice, identify and reveal their underlying emotions to each other. For example, when the PP is able to vulnerably share that they hide the truth because they don't want to hurt their partner, and seeing their partner hurt leaves them feeling so guilty it’s intolerable - it usually comforts the DP. When the DP is vulnerably able to share that when they are angry, yell or demand answers, it's because underneath they are hurting deeply and afraid they aren’t important - the PP usually wants to comfort and reassure, which is exactly what the DP needs. When the PP sees they are helping comfort the DP, they feel better too, and their behaviour gets reinforced.

When we can do this consistently, we can begin to replace that negative repetitive pattern and move towards healing.