Am I codependent? Is that bad?

how do I know if I am codependent?

Codependency is the tendency to rely on others, almost exclusively, to regulate your emotions because you doesn’t feel able to do it alone. You need others in order to feel good yourself.

Notice that needing others isn’t what defines codependency. It’s the exclusion of being okay by yourself.

Hyper-independence is the opposite: you do everything on your own because you don’t trust or want to rely on others. It’s the exclusion of being able to reach for help.

Why am I codependent?

We are all codependent when we are born. We need our caregivers to survive, it is human and perfectly normal. Most of us learn, over time, and to varying degrees, how to become increasingly independent.

When we fail to develop independence as a result of the dynamic with our caregiver, codependency may form. We are not permitted to have our own feelings or thoughts or needs (that allows us to develop independence). We must focus on making sure caregiver’s needs are met, while ignoring our own.

Codependency likely develops and gets reinforced in an environment where it is adaptive and useful.

For example, if you are a young child with a distressed parent, you may need to constantly make sure they are well in order to survive yourself. If you learn that the only way you will be safe is by ignoring your own feelings or needs to calm down your caregiver, you will survive. As a child, we don’t know any better or that there are other options. Our attention becomes centered on making sure the parent is soothed, because we don’t have any other choice. And it gets reinforced, over and over.

The benefit of codependency at this stage is survival. It works to keep us alive.

The downside is we lose touch with our own feelings and needs, we don’t trust ourselves, we find it hard to put ourselves first. Doing that didn’t help. It’s hard for our body to trust it will work now, even as adults no longer in the same situation.

What worked well in that environment growing up, no longer serves us in healthier environments later.

What's the difference between between being codependent and interdependent?

Choice.

When we are codependent, we are compelled to have another person make us feel okay. We don’t feel capable of self regulation. We don’t trust we will be okay if the other person isn’t okay. The other person comes first. If they are fine, then we can be okay. We are not the prioirty.

Focusing on our own needs feels selfish and unfamiliar. We often don’t trust that if we do that, things will work out.

Interdependence is the capacity to choose what option you want to exercise at any given moment: to ask for help (effective dependency) or to self soothe. We can rely on others and we can be independent. We can move fairly flexibly between the coping strategies because we are capable of both.

It’s okay to be dependent, have others soothe us, or prioritize others feeling to be okay. When we are interdependent, we don’t feel compelled to always reach for others. Sometimes we are comfortable to prioritize our own needs or be independent.

Can I change if I’m codependent?

Yes! Here are a few things you can try to practice:

• Catch yourself when you notice you feel that you can’t be okay if someone else isn’t okay. See if you can tap into your own needs and feelings and trust that if you take care of yourself first, you will survive.

• Learn to let go of feeling responsible for what others feel. There’s a big difference between influence and responsibility: You can influence what someone feels, but you are not responsible for what they feel.

• Be gracious with yourself about needing others (there’s nothing wrong with that). Try to trust your capacity to be independent – do what you like, it may feel selfish if you are not used to it. Trust that it isn’t selfish! it’s just unfamiliar.