Life as a Dancer: my word for 2025 is "Flow" (a personal reflection)

Part 1: How did they know I was injured?

While dancing late last year, my lead remarked, "you have scar tissue in your wrist." 

No one had ever said that before.

"What?" I asked him to show me where. 

He touched a part of my wrist that was injured 17 years ago.

I haven't felt any pain there in 16 years, so I forgot about it.

If I look, I still can't find the scar tissue.

Two weeks later: I was dancing with a well known international instructor, who I imagine has danced with thousands of people.

"Do you have an injury in your right arm?" he abruptly asked, "the energy doesn't flow all the way out."

I was shocked again.

"Yes, I have an injury in my right wrist."

I have been dancing less than five years, but I have never had this happen before.

I shared these stories with a friend, an environmental engineer who studied wastewater and flooding. He talked about how stormwater can follow a natural flow, or be blocked by certain things, and how that impacts flood prevention.

I imagined my energy flow as being blocked by the scar tissue in my wrist.

For some reason, these men felt it now, when no one else did before.

I wasn't sure what this meant, but it felt important.

And then I twisted my right ankle and couldn't dance.

I guess all the energy stopped flowing for a while after that.

Part 2: No expectations means no disappointment, right?

In 2009, I thought my dream life was finally coming true. I had a soon to be family of four, and a house in the burbs with a big yard. All my hard work was finally paying off. 

And then my world blew up: I was informed my newborn daughter had severe brain damage, my husband was having an affair, we decided to remove our daughter from life support, she died, and he left me to take care of a house and a toddler alone. All in six weeks. My world came to a stop.

Ever since then, I have struggled with hoping or wanting anything good for myself.

As soon as I notice I want something, I panic and have this feeling of impending doom: it will be taken away from me (again).

It's not an issue of deserving.

I believe I deserve good things....like everyone else on the planet.

And it's unfair, because not all of us get the good things we deserve.

Usually when I want something, I prepare for the worst.

I expect I won't get it, to protect myself from disappointment.

As 2025 began, I realized there was something in particular I wanted more than usual.

So I freaked out and did everything to not think about it, not hope, detach, and not expect.

It's very hard to bury desire.

Part 3: What does scar tissue have to do with any of this?

I didn't know what to do about the scar tissue in my wrist.

But my sprained ankle improved, and then seemed to plateau.

It felt stiff more often than before.

I assumed it could be scar tissue that had developed, and I could regain my mobility if I removed it.

One night, as I massaged my ankle, I thought about how scar tissue formed around my injury to protect me.

What once helped me, was now getting in the way of my healing.

That's when the lightbulb turned on:

I was wounded when my ex left and daughter died.

I needed to protect myself from further hurt by not wanting so I wouldn't be disappointed.

It was necessary at the time. It helped me.

Was that "scar tissue" (not wanting) now getting in the way?

What would happen if I stopped protecting myself?

What would happen if I let myself WANT?

As a therapist who tells everyone to feel their feelings...I knew what I had to do.

Together with my therapist, in our next session, I let myself feel my deepest longings.

It was terrifying.

The old emotions returned: desire and joy...and then fear I will lose everything again.

As we sat together, something shifted.

In my body, I realized I could want something else tomorrow.

If I want this so badly right now, it doesn't mean the only ending is me getting it and then it being take away.

In fact, there was so much time and space in front of me all of a sudden.

I could see a million possibilities, including that I could change my mind and not want this after all.

Or I could want it less.

Or I could get it, then not want it.

Or...

I suddenly felt lighter and freer, like the energy was flowing again.

I wasn't tight, constricted and trapped with a single ending in a horror story.

I could want fully, it was just a feeling...and still be free.

I was reminded an emotion (desire) is simply that, an emotion.

It's not a conclusion, an action, or a jail sentence.

And every feeling will change.

Part 4: Now what?

The story hasn't ended for me yet, it seems there is much more to learn.

I still don't know what do with my wrist.

But as 2025 began, I chose the word "Flow."

2024 helped me see how scared I was to "Follow," and how to risk surrendering when it's safe.

I have been letting go, to allow myself to “want,” and enter the "Flow" with whoever may be leading me...

Let's see what happens, shall we?