will smith and the oscar slap: power, emotions and options

Yes, I’m a bit late in the game talking about Will Smith and the Oscars slap. It took me some time to find the words about why this whole thing just doesn’t sit right with me.

I am not a huge consumer of media, but my impression of the rhetoric seems to be centered around how his actions were wrong.

I agree that physical aggression may not have been the best option, but I think that is obvious to most of us. So can we talk less about that? Can we talk more about how what he felt, the anger, may actually be legitimate? And what do we expect him to do with that feeling, if hitting someone is not permitted?

Do you have a better solution for him? One that actually works in the system we live in?

If we just keep talking about how hitting someone is wrong with no realistic alternatives, what good is that? For him, or anybody else who is angry?

We want to know why he did it, but are we actually curious? Can we actually be curious and be open? Why would he want to punch someone?

Why do we do things out of character, that we regret later? Perhaps you’ve done the same?

It’s because in that moment we have a big important feeling, one that becomes larger than our morals or values sometimes. A feeling that can override our rational brain that might later tell us, “that was not a good idea.”

Feelings are not behaviors. Can we look at the feeling of anger as legitimate, and the behavior as entirely separate?

Can we look at how maybe hitting someone can sometimes feel like the best or only option when we feel stuck? When we don’t feel like we have another outlet?

If I tell a toddler not to hit her brother, great, I'm right.

But what if I don't offer an alternative? That toddler is still stuck.

And if I don't talk about what they feel, they never learn where to go with it, or what to do differently. And as the parent, with the power, authority and knowledge, I am supposed to help them. I need to give them real alternatives that help them not only cope with the emotion, but get what they need and feel better. More empowered. I need to provide those options, not just talk about them like theoretical concepts.

(And no, I’m not calling Will Smith a toddler, I’m drawing a parallel to systems of power).

So if Will Smith actually tells us why he did it, as a society, will we actually be open to it? Or will we judge, punish, ridicule and blame him and tell him not to be mad? If we, ourselves, can’t separate the feeling as legitimate from a behavior we disagree with, then we can’t possibly help him. And then we reinforce all the reasons he should not share…and stay angry. I don’t blame him if he doesn’t want to talk about it then. Or feels mad enough to hit someone later.

What role do you have in this system? Do you make it easy or hard for people (especially those with less power, BIPOC, less status or ability, etc) to have a voice for what they feel? For injustice or anger? The system can make someone mad, but if they’re not allowed to hit, cause you said not to, but they don’t know what else to do…and you’ve got all the power…then what?

How are you responding to what is happening here? What is your role in this system? Are you supporting Will or people who feel anger? Are you shaming them? What are your options, when you are the one who is angry? Can you relate to his position at all?

How we respond to anger makes a difference, or reinforces this cycle. What are you going to do?